Inauguration | Concert

Inauguration of the Ninth President
of Chaminade University

I am the Very Model of a Modern College President

(with apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan and Bro. Bernie)

I am the very model of a modern College President,
I'm always on the job because I am a campus resident.
I tour about the country to assemblies gastronomical,
And give all sorts of speeches from sublime to broadly comical.

I like to see our Faculty at work to write the catalog.
I love to praise our Deans in phrases taken from the Decalogue.
I lead our campus fair without an ounce of trepida-ti-on…
(hmm…trepida-ti-on, trepida-ti-on…Got it!)
And cannot even wait until our next accredit-a-ti-on!

Chorus:
And cannot even wait until our next accredit-a-ti-on,
And cannot even wait until our next accredit-a-ti-on,
And cannot even wait until our next accredit-ta-ti-, ta-ti-on!

I'm fond of giving dinners in a layout rather spiffical,
And talking to our donors using language quite pontifical.
And though I’m here both night and day, because I am a resident,
I am the very model of a modern College President!

Chorus:
And though he’s here both night and day, because he is a resident,
He is the very model of a modern College President!

I've shaken every human hand both manicured and squeezable,
I pass the hat among the rich; the buck wherever feasible.
I mix with all the business kings, the Lions and the Rotary,
Of heiresses and rich tycoons I am the hopeful votary.

I work with students bright, and with our faculty quite brill-i-ant.
The press and commentators all to whom I’ve grown resilient.
Of buildings here I plan to see the number grow a whole lot more
(“whole lot more”…hmm…)
(Got it!) And all the Regents know exactly what it is we’re looking for.

Chorus:
And all the Regents know exactly what it is we’re looking for.
And all the Regents know exactly what it is we’re looking for.
And all the Regents know exactly what it is we’re looking, looking for.

I use the phrase "distinguished guest" with cordial diversity.
And welcome all my friends to our beloved University.
And though I am a "Brother" and am thought to be most reticent.
I am the very model of a modern College President!

Chorus:
And though his is a "Brother" and is thought to be most reticent,
He is the very model of a modern College President!

In administrative knowledge I am smart and quite unflappable
In parlors and in boardrooms I am seldom less than affable
About the campus challenges I'm brimming with a lot of views...
And beaming when there is a story 'bout us on the Evening News.

When students, staff and faculty all look at our strategic plan
And feel overwhelmed, then I just put them in the Campus Van
And drive about until they see my elemental strategy...
(Hmmm...strategy.....that's a hard one....GOT IT!)

They'll say a better College President has never SAT-A-GEE!

Chorus:
They'll say a better College President has never SAT-A-GEE
They'll say a better College President has never SAT-A-GEE
They'll say a better College President has never SAT-A-SAT-A-GEE!

In fact, when I know what is meant by "outcomes" and "assess-(e)-ment,"
When I can tell a ‘put-down’ from an actual ‘harass-(e)-ment,’
And though I see you night and day, because I am a resident,
I am the very model of a modern College President.

Chorus:
And though he sees us night and day, because he is a resident,
He is the very model of a modern College President.

I love to eat at Alan Wongs or in our cafeteria,
I cheer the ‘Silverswords’ because we clearly are superior.
I listen to the concerts and recitals done in Eiben Hall.
I revel in the plays we do; our students simply have it all.

When I can greet, by name (!) all students on my daily promenade,
And I can say, by memory (!), all the words of Father Chaminade,
When in affairs of courses and requirements, I’m sensational,
(Hmm..sensational, sensational…Got it!)
And tell you all the hist’ry of the Maui Invitational!

Chorus:
And tell us all the his’try of the Maui Invitational.
And tell us all the his’try of the Maui Invitational.
And tell us all the his’try of the Maui Invi-tasha-tasha-nal!

Now, my Mar-i-an-ist knowledge, though complete and most adventury,
Has only been accumulated in the last half-century.
And when you get to know me you will see it's very evident....
I am the very model of a modern College President!

Chorus:
And when you get to know him you will see it's very evident....
He is the very model of a modern College President!!

Compiled and partially composed by Timothy Carney, for the Inauguration of Bro. Bernard Ploeger as the ninth President of Chaminade University of Honolulu. Based on work by John F. Schwaller, for Crane School of Music, Potsdam, NY, and others at http://www.luxumbradei.com/parody/college-president.html, and with assistance from Bro. Gary Morris, SM.